The Super Bowl Treatise

I read an article today from Time.com entitled "Five Ways To Seem Smart About Sunday's Game."

On a scale of 1-10, as far as morbid disdain goes, this article would be a "cry in your darkened room listening to 1940s jazz" to any sports fan.

If you feel the slightest need to read this article (I'm guessing in an attempt to impress SOMEONE), don't waste your time. Not only will you be regurgitating trivia that sounds like trivia, a real sports fan, and the person you're trying to impress, will only see this as cute at best (and NOT in a good way).

Let's hash these out:

1. AUDIBLE CALLS

Players use these after the play has been decided on, but not yet run. The quarterback can make adjustments to the play if he notices some things that could be issues (coverage they weren't expecting, a possible blitz attack, etc.)

HOWEVER, while this is something that's important to acknowledge when you're learning the technical levels of the game, telling someone this at a Bowl Party will only elicit one reaction: "Yeah...so?"

2. THE DOUBLE TIGHT END PACKAGE

Stop giggling, it's a real thing. A tight end is basically a large receiver, capable of providing the quarterback with an extra blocker or being a hard-to-take-down receiver. A team that runs two of them is basically offering themselves extra protection and making for a more physical game.

HOWEVER, while being able to point out a tight end or two by name will show that you at least know a single player that's not a quarterback, quoting the stats offered will make you seem like a stalker.

3. KICKERS ARE NO JOKE

If you've seen a game, heard of a game, seen footage, or have common sense, someone who can pick you up some last second, long range points is indeed a huge deal. I couldn't start to count how many games in one season are won by a kicker's field goal or by a punter's good kick.

HOWEVER, if you start describing a kicker's workout regimen, no one is impressed. Honestly, as a fan, I would start to wonder by now if you were just picking up useless info online and trying to distract me from the game. Which is just poor manners.

4. VICTOR CRUZ: RECEIVER EXTRAORDINAIRE

Victor Cruz of the New York Giants is fast, young and is known for some clutch plays throughout the last two seasons for the Giants. He's definitely going to have a few shots to make headlines Sunday, especially if the Patriots defenders give him any chance at all.

HOWEVER, if you follow time.com and "Ask- ALOUD- if the Patriots will double-team Cruz on third down," I would answer like any fan trying to enjoy themselves: "...We don't know, (insert name here) there's still players like Hakeem Nicks and Mario Manningham who are just as good. Are you going to watch this game or keeping asking questions you read online. And stop eating all of the dip"

5. WILFORK THE BEAST

Any defense fan will tell you that a strong defensive line will make a defense's day and ruin a quarterback. That said, Vince Wilfork has led the Patriot's defensive line on a rampage this year, making QB protection a must for all opponents.

HOWEVER, if you see Wilfork leading a five man rush against the Giants, pointing it out will be the tipping point. Not only will your friends be tired of your incessant nagging and desperate plea for praise, they'll send you on a dip run and escape to a sports bar while you're gone.

So, instead of degrading yourself by annoying your friends until the special day is all but ruined, follow Daniel's Easy Steps To A Successful Sunday Without Being A Bother:

1. If you don't know it, don't show it. If you aren't a huge fan, but want in on the fun, cheer when your team moves forward, swear when they don't. Steer clear of anything technical and join the crowd.

2. If you need to be the center of attention (via Time.com or other tools of annoyance), don't show up. If you don't know the game, don't like the game, and labor over talking points to fit in, you need to find something better to do with your time. No one wants to hear you spout facts as they're watching a game they love.

3. When all else fails, capitalism reigns! Super Bowl commercials are made for you. Got nothing to offer game-wise but don't want to be "that person?" Sit back and bear the game, and when the stupid commercials air, the floor is yours.

Good luck, Inscapednauts. Remember: it's an American tradition to get caught up in the festivities, but it's also a tradition to honor the sanctity of the game.