‘On the Lot…’ more like ‘Off my DVR’

I’ll admit it; I do like to watch reality shows. Recently Fox started a new show about directing movies, created by Mark Burnett (“Survivor”) and Steven Spielberg.

With that combo it had hit written all over it.

And it was great… for the first week. The first few episodes we got to meet a few of the directing hopefuls brought to Hollywood to undergo some challenges in order to cut down the number of contestants from 50 to 18.

The first challenge was to pitch a movie with a generic story idea. It was great to see how these people stayed up all night to come up with ideas and how they pitched them. Of course some were horrible, but it still made for great television.

So after a few were cut the next challenge started right away, no rest for the wicked. The directors were spilt into teams of three and told to make a short film in 24 hours. Of course styles and personalities clashed. Some people failed and were cut.

As with the last challenge, the next one started right away. This time they were put in charge of a professional film crew and expected to film a one page of dialogue film in another short amount of time. The episode ended with the directors getting to the sets, so the logical conclusion was that we would see what would happen during the next episode.

My digital cable guide said there was a two hour episode airing Monday at 8 p.m. I tuned in.

I was horrified.

There was a studio audience and it really looked like a poor man’s version of American Idol. Then this lady started talking, who didn’t look anything like the host of the show for the previous episodes.

I had to check the guide again to make sure I was watching the right show.

Then they introduced the prestigious panel of celebrity judges. Gary Marshall who is a great director and legend and Carrie Fisher who was in the “Star Wars” films and has written a bunch of movies. OK, those two are legends. The third judge? Some dude that directed “Disturbia.” Huh wha?

My eyes rolled so fast I thought I was going blind.

So at least I was going to see the 24 directors and how they did on their third challenges. Nope, they went straight to the final 18, only taking a few seconds to overview the challenge. I don’t even know who the six were that were cut. I thought to myself “OK my DVR screwed up again and didn’t record an episode.” I double checked and realized that there was not a “missing episode” there just was no explanation at all.

Then they do straight into another challenge with the audience judging the films and picking a winner, I then took the chance to turn the television off.

Shut it!

I was sitting down in a dark theater enjoying the performances... that is until people started talking, cell phones going off and children being children.

No, this wasn’t an evening showing of “Spiderman 3,” it was the Flute and Bassoon studio recital at Riverside City College on May 10. If people can’t even have the common courtesy of behaving during some free student performances, can we really expect people to do the same during a movie that they pay for?

Granted people talking during a movie and generally misbehaving has been a problem in movie theaters for a very long time, but the cell phone has made it almost unbearable. People not only talk on their phones, but check their email and text message as well. So right when the film is getting to an important part you get this bright light that catches your eyes like a lighthouse shining bright in the fog. Of course it’s just someone looking at a message they just got, probably something to do with how Susie just dumped Jason or something just as life threatening.

I used to see movies on the night they opened after work, but that is like asking to get punched in the face. You know it’s going to hurt, so why do it?

I started to go during the week and try to catch an early show while teenagers are at school and most people are at work. But even my plan b has proven to be a sucker punch of reality.

Avoiding these people is almost unavoidable. I went and saw a 9:15 a.m. showing of “Spiderman 3” thinking “Ah ha! Children will be in school and it will be nice and quiet.”

Wrong. Apparently “Spiderman 3” trumps any kind of learning the children might need. Although, I’m sure they learned how to make a horrible movie. ZING!

Dealing with these people requires a simple four step process; first, is the glare. Just turn around and glare at them. The second step might require another glare with a “ssshh.” If that doesn’t work move on to step three which is a stern “Shut up!” If the annoyances continue then step four is required, but remember that if the person is bigger than you then skip this step, which is saying “Shut the...” and your favorite expletive.

Most times that works, or you get a soda on your head.

The real question is what can be done by the theaters to stop the madness and provide a relaxing environment. There are some theaters that have installed cell phone signal blockers, which is a great idea. Some people complain that would prevent people from hearing about emergencies, but people survived without cell phones in theaters 20 years ago.

There also needs to be a zero tolerance rule. You talk on your phone, you’re out. Your children are running around the theater and screaming during a rated-R movie, see ya.

Asking people to behave during a movie is a waste of time, punishing them sends a message to anyone thinking of replying to that text message again.

All Karnage and Mayhem at Merrit College

A six year old girl broke into tears when EWF pro wrestler Kid Karnage (A.K.A. Viewpoints Inscape editor Tyler Davidson) pushed her out of the way and senselessly beat a cowboy in front of her. That same girl would later cheer his name as he fought for the title.

Kid Karnage delivers a superkick to Ryan Taylor. Photo by Christopher Ullyott.

As Karnage made his way to the ring, he made it clear that he was not there to win fans. Telling cheerers to “shut up” and scaring a six-year-old into tears made this very clear.
It became the mission of the EWF “bad guy” to sway the audience, despite his lack of manners, sportsmanship, and stature.

Karnage, merely 5’7”, showed a great deal of frustration early in his first match as he attempted to take down “Tough” Tony Raze, a gigantic southern man who refused to hit the mat after several impressive kicks by Karnage.

As the crowd backed Raze, feverishly booing Karnage, Raze finally landed a solid pin on Karnage, ending the bout.

This would not, however, be the end of the day for the maniacal underdog. Later in the program, Karnage returned to the ring amidst a slightly warmer crowd as he took on the ultra-Australian Jay Law, whose bark was much stronger than his bite. As Law berated the crowd, Karnage began an impressive display of attacks, using his size to his advantage.
Following a mafia kick (a basic straight kick to the face) and an ensiguri (jumping off of a person’s knee and kicking them in the head), Karnage finally sent Law back to the outback with a quick pin.

By this point, the crowd had turned... everyone except a six-year-old girl. Viewpoints staff members (and Karnage fans) Corrine and Josh changed her tune with an orange sucker and a quarter. In no time at all, the same little girl that was crying as Karnage beat a cowboy turned into one of the biggest fans present at the event.

Kid Karnage celebrates his win by smacking me. Photo by Christopher Ullyott.

Despite the crowd uproariously cheering for Karnage, he lost the last match of the day to Cruiser Weight Champion Ryan Taylor.

But Karnage will live again....