The wasteland of summer television

This series of posts was originally intended to be "The best thing on TV", but with it being summer and not a lot on it changed into the worst thing on TV.

And boy is there ever a flood of worthy candidates.

One could argue that "Pirate Master" with it's horrible, misleading editing is the worst show on right now.

Or "American Inventor" where they show people talking about their hopes and dreams, spending thousands of dollars on an invention... only to have the "judges" laugh them out of the room.

But there is one show that is so pretentious that it makes my brain hurt and that's why it has earned the title of "Worst thing on television" for me.

That show is "Throwdown with Bobby Flay" on the Food Network. Yes, that Flay, who is a "celebrity" chef with a few different TV shows, books etc.

The idea behind the show is that Flay is given a mission to compete against some of the countries top chefs (in their area of expertise). Sometimes he has no idea how to cook a wedding cake or make a wonderful doughnut, so he gets help creating recipes and a plan before he goes to "throwdown" with the other chef.

Speaking of the other chef, they have no idea they are about to "throwdown" with Flay. The Food Network lies to these people saying they are getting a show/segment on the network to showcase themselves or their food. Flay then "interrupts" the filming to challenge them.

Now, granted I do not like Flay. I haven't liked him because the network had him challenge Iron Chef Morimoto years ago and he whined like a child and was disrespectful.

This show is only on to boost the already huge ego that Flay has. I don't like when reality shows lie to people and push people to think they are better than others.

This show is the poster child for what is wrong with reality shows today.

Doctor Johnson, Stale Jokes Calling!

If you ever needed inspiration to read more, just turn on the television. It will kill your love for our culture. You can't watch TV for more then an hour without seeing a show or commercial that insults your intellegence. But the mindless banter of overacting MTV excrement called shows is only one side of horrible TV.

There's also a show called "Scrubs", the acclaimed show about doctors trying to find there place. One of my friends is addicted to the show, so i had to see a few episodes. And that's when i realized that even horrible shows can past for the best on TV these days.

Watch one episode of Scrubs and this is what you'll see: dialouge written by people who have no idea how realistic conversations go, characters that haven't been developed in years, and a mediphorical dream sequence every 30 seconds.

Wasn't "Family Guy" deemed a bad show by most critics for their random mediphorical scenes? Why is it Zach Braff (J.D.) gets to play dress up every episode depending on how the writing twist and turns in the form of a plot, yet "Family Guy" has been dodging critics?

The worst part is that, if you watch a second episode of "Scrubs", you'll see the same devices, used the same was,by the same characters who think and act the same way. Some people only watch the show for Zach Braff. "Garden State" fans will practically devour any crap he's in, and trust me, he's only in crap. He's a male Cameron Diaz.

I'm sorry, but anyone who goes on Saturday Night live and writes SEVERAL sketches based around his one popular movie... well, he needs to disappear. Maybe go back to Jersey, take some acting/screenwriting lessons, find som dignity and try to contribute a decent show to us.

"Scrubs" is stale, boring, and a putrid wasteland of mindless PG-13 jokes that a 13-year-old would call stupid.

MTV, VH1: Now With Even Less Music Than Before!

TV these days is in a sad, sordid state of affairs. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot worth watching out there, but for every "Entourage," there's an "I Love New York." For every "Office," there's a "Yo Momma." The funny thing is, all of the worst shows being put on right now air on the major music channels, and wouldn't ya know it? They all have absolutely nothing to do with music! (Hint to MTV and VH1: KNOCK IT OFF!)

This brings me to what I think is the worst TV show on television right now, a program on MTV called "Parental Control." Believe me, I had to rack my brain to think of what was the worst on the network right now, because between mind-numbing shows like "Next" and "Room Raiders," it was a tough, tough choice.

"Parental Control" takes the cake, if for nothing else, just because of how fake it is. Nevermind the lame concept; parents who despise their son/daughter's "boyfriend/girlfriend" send their offspring off on two other dates while they sit and watch with the object of their hostility. As the dates progress, the parents and the "boyfriend/girlfriend" trade oh-so-hilarious quips with all the acting chops of Heather Graham on Quaaludes.

Whether it's real or not, it's a terrible idea for a show. If it's real, it's unnecessarily cruel, forcing obvious wedges into what otherwise might be healthy relationships just because mommy and daddy don't approve. However, watching more than 30 seconds of the show will likely run off any suspicions of legitimacy, as the writing combined with the delivery makes "Pimp My Ride's" Xzibit look like Jack Nicholson.

In the end, both MTV and VH1 need to stick to the music and stop giving the spotlight to people whose 15 minutes passed a LONG time ago. (Andy Milonakis, I'm lookin' at you!) Oh well...at least Fuse has "The Whitest Kids U Know."

Tim hates going to movie theaters... sometimes

Like everyone else in the world I have had my share of horrible movie experiences, although nothing as bad as Tyler's "300" mob scare (see next post below).

I sat down in front of the computer attempting to think of some horrible experiences and one thing stood out. Most of them were at the Riverside Cinemastar theater... even odder, in the same screening room. Like most theaters, they had a huge screening room with a ton of seats for the big movies that were released and that theater is known for selling out tickets all the time.

The first time was watching "Scary Movie." We got there early (group of 6) and sat in the back row. Then four thug-ish teenagers come in and secure the entire row ahead of us (At least 20-25 seats). Something right then told me it was a bad sign. So two by two they would leave the theater and come back with two more people. They kept repeating the same thing. That's when it donned on me, they were taking the extra two ticket stubs and going outside to hand them off to friends who would then stroll into the theater with a ticket. They must of done that 10 times or so. Of course people that don't pay for movies could care less about watching the film. They were screaming, yelling, fighting, making out etc. the entire film. Since they were of the thug-ish variety, ratting them out could mean them waiting for you outside of the theater... no thanks.

The next time was "X2" when every seat was filled and the projection bulb shattered in the machine (apparently it releases some sort of toxic material)... it took a half an hour to fix. Crazy geeks waiting a half hour? Worse than going to Comic Con.

One of the last times I attempted to see a movie there was the first "Pirates..." It was a Tuesday afternoon so we figured it would be empty... and it was.

Until 15 minutes into the film.

Now we were sitting smack dab in the middle of the theater, in the middle of the row. Perfect seats. So these two teenage girls come strolling in (talking loud of course) and sit directly behind us, like the other 300 seats were filled or something.

They screamed and yelled every time Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom came on the screen... which is a lot. So I gave them the glare, then shushed them, then told them to be quiet. They kept doing it. So I turned around and told them to shut it. They kept doing it. I jumped out of my chair, turned to them and shouted "SHUT THE F-UP!"

They ran out of the theater and left us to try to enjoy the last 5 minutes of the movie.

My Worst Movie-Going Experience OR...The Tale of "The '300' Riot"

For all of the good things about a trip to the local cinema, there are just as many headaches and annoyances to put up with. From outrageous prices to crying babies to the guy who finds it absolutely necessary to take his call smack in the middle of an important plot point, there seems to be no end to the inconveniences one faces at the movies. I should know, I work there.

My job as a projectionist affords me countless memorable movie-going experiences, for better or worse. That being said, if I had to think about my worst movie-going experience, I’d have a lengthy list of candidates to choose from, but at the top of that list is an event that has since come to be known to myself and my co-workers as "The ‘300’ Riot."

When major releases come out, like summer blockbusters, theatres usually receive them two nights before the intended release date (Wednesday night, in most cases.) While not exactly a blockbuster, "300" fell into this category, so for quality assurance purposes, it was screened for employees that night. There was also to be a midnight screening open to the public the following night.

The employee screening went flawlessly, except for the fact that an alarm was tripped at the end of the film (this meant that the film was missing a "cue," or a strip of tape placed directly on the film to designate when the auditorium lights as well as the projector motor should go on and off.) So, to remedy this, a co-worker of mine, Brent, went through the film, found the right spot, and added a cue. Problem solved, right? Not exactly.

So, Thursday night rolls around, and it’s time for the midnight screening. My theatre (the University Village Cinemas) isn’t exactly the biggest around, but on this night, we had managed to pack in about 400-500 people into our two biggest auditoriums.

Everything runs smoothly until near the very end of the film; in fact, during the climax of the movie. (For those of you that have seen "300," the "spear-throwing" scene) From what we’ve gathered since then, right around that scene, the lights came up and the film stopped completely, but because the film hadn’t tripped its fail-safe, no alarm sounded. Apparently, one too many cues had been placed on the film, making the projector think the movie was over. Thus, Brent and myself are patiently waiting for the movie to end, not knowing it had stopped altogether.

That is, until we see guests coming directly up to the projection booth and imploring us to rewind the film (for any of you that have asked that at a theatre, it’s not possible.) Now, theatre employees aren’t even allowed into the projection booth without authorization, so it’s definitely not for guests. Wanting to get them out as soon as possible, Brent and I run and restart the film where it left off...not knowing that everyone who had been watching is already out in the lobby complaining, unaware that the movie had restarted.

So, basically, 90% of the crowd (if not more) misses the end of the film, and like I said, it can’t exactly be "rewound." Combine this with the fact that the manager on duty didn’t have the combination to the safe at the time in order to give refunds, and you have the makings of a pretty volatile situation.

What ensues is the closest thing to a riot that I’ve ever been a part of, an event that saw hundreds of grown adults climbing all over arcade games, yanking banners directly off of the walls, and shouting at the top of their lungs. A few hours of Spartan bloodshed had riled up the crowd, as one ponytailed guest took on the role of a pale, oafish Leonidas, commanding the crowd from the balcony he wasn’t even supposed to be on. When he learned that myself and Brent were the projectionists on duty, rather than taking his frustration out on us (the obvious cause of the problem), he shouted "Hey, these are just the guys that run the movies!" Either he didn’t deduce that it was essentially our fault, or simply was too focused on getting his money back at that point.

Guests repeatedly attempt to come up to the projection booth, where there’s quite a bit of expensive equipment, so Brent and I close the door and lock ourselves in. Another projectionist, Joe, who had been off the clock watching the film, nearly got into several fights reclaiming banners and theatre property from angry moviegoers trying to walk away with at least a memento of the night’s events.

It then takes about 30 minutes for the police to arrive and clear out the building. By this time, it was about 3 A.M., and all of us were just glad everyone was gone. This was definitely my worst movie-going experience, a testament to just how childish adults can be when they don’t get their way. So the next time you have to put up with a sobbing child in your theatre, or pay a few bucks extra for your popcorn, just keep in mind...it could be worse. It could be much, much worse.

These are good movies, really!

I have a confession to make. I like crappy movies.

Well, sometimes.

OK, let me explain...when I see a movie for the first time, I rarely think of it in terms of cinematic quality. You know, "good" good movies, like "The Shawshank Redemption" or "The Godfather." More often than not, I think of movies in terms of what they’re trying to be.

Thus, I end up liking movies like "House of 1000 Corpses" and "Ghost Rider," because they’re not trying to be anything more than good, old-fashioned cheese. And if there’s anything I like, it’s cheese.

That being said, I had to rack my brain in a pretty thorough way before I could come up with some genuinely good underrated movies that were out there.
My first pick is the remake of "The Hills Have Eyes," released just last year. From director Alexandre Aja (whose previous effort, "High Tension"...well, nevermind, that’s a whole other blog altogether), "The Hills Have Eyes" puts a new spin on Wes Craven’s 1977 horror flick that told of "mutants in them thar hills!" This time around, the "eyes" in question are mutated by radioactive fallout.

"The Hills Have Eyes" works on a much more personal level than the majority of horror films do these days. Without spoiling too much, the movie’s scariest moments see family members seeing other family members put through unspeakable horrors by these mutated cannibals. That adds a whole new element to the fear and the terror that works on a much more demented, traumatizing level. This element is what truly sets "The Hills Have Eyes" apart from the barrage of disappointment that has been the horror genre lately.

My second pick is another 2006 film, "A Scanner Darkly." An adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s classic science fiction novel of the same name, "A Scanner Darkly" is shown entirely in rotoscoped animation, giving it the surreal feel of "animated reality."

The film is highlighted by superb performances, the most entertaining of which being displayed by supporting actors Robert Downey, Jr. and Woody Harrelson. Downey, Jr. and Harrelson are the film’s comic relief, playing the parts of Bob Arctor’s (Keanu Reeves) paranoid, drug-addicted friends perfectly.

Following an intriguing, yet cleverly crafted storyline, "A Scanner Darkly" is definitely one of the best (and one of the most underrated) science fiction films to be made in a long, long time.

Dan's two films worth your four bucks that you probably didn't know/think you'd like

So, I had to give this a lot of thought: what are two movies that I find underrated? What are two movies that I think everyone should see that they probably haven't heard of?

One came to mind immediately: "Undercover Brother", a hillarious movie made in 2002 starring Eddie Griffin, Chris Kattan and Dave Chapelle. I'm not a big fan of Kattan, but luckily, you've got Chapelle.

So, right now you're probably thinking "What?! Why?!"

I know. It looks like another bad "black comedy" where it's just a bunch of evil white guys trying to do evil things. And it pretty much is. But black stereotypes are not comletely vacant, as is immediately clear early in the film when Undercover Brother spins out his ride, doing about seven 360s.... without spilling a single drop of his orange soda. If you get past prejudice against this type of movie (and Chris Kattan), then Undercover Brother is a great comedy that is worth watching, just to hear about how Will Smith "raps happy."

My second choice for underrated movies won some acclaim, even an Oscar, but is overlooked but most people. "The Motorcycle Diaries" with Gael Garcia Bernal (pre-"Science of Sleep") portraying the young future-revolutionary leader Che Guevara as he travels with his friend Alberto Granado (played perfectly by Rodrigo De la Serna. Along the way they face heart-shattering obstacles, and end up at a leper colony.

"The Motorcyle Diaries" will be scoffed at by most guys, and even by some females who don't have the attention span to watch a movie that is almost non-fiction, but trust me... it's worth it. I had my doubts when I sat down to watch it, I even stacked Ritz crackers (32, is that a record?) for the first fifteen minutes. But watch this movie, it just might change the way you think about the world.

Tim's two best underrated films

It is a known fact like every person is different and they like different things. But when it comes to movies there are some that are universally loved and some that are forgotten or looked over. I am going to write about two of my favorite movies that have been looked over and that maybe you should check out.

My first pick for the most underrated film is the 1998 action flick, “The Negotiator”, starring Samuel L. Jackson and Kevin Spacey as hostage negotiators facing off as one is accused of a crime. One of the best things about this movie is the cast, an all-star cast of character actors, which makes this film one huge display of great acting. In addition to Jackson and Spacey other great actors like Ron Rifkin, David Morse, Paul Giamatti, John Spencer and Paul Guilfoyle appear.

The film is directed by F. Gary Gray (“The Italian Job”) and the action is superb. There is a whodunit element to the film, but the audience is given enough clues to slowly figure it out. The film has a rating of 7.2 on IMDB.com and grossed only about $45 million at the box office, not a failure by any means but it deserved better.

The next film is VERY funny.

It is Mike Myers best movie… period.

But, no one saw it.

I do think the title “So I Married an Axe Murderer” sort of turned people off, thinking it was a horror film or something other than a comedy. In the 1993 film, Myers plays Charlie, a beat poet, who is seriously afraid of commitment… even going as far as to break up with a woman for “smelling like soup.” That all changes when he meets a butcher, Harriet, played by Nancy Travis. They get along great and everything seems to be going perfect. Until he starts to think she is an axe murderer.

The film also has Myers playing the role of Charlie’s father, a Scottish butcher, who steals the show. If anyone quotes this movie, they are quoting lines from Charlie’s father. There are a lot of hilarious cameos in the film including Phil Hartman as an Alcatraz guard, Michael Richards as a reporter, Alan Arkin as the police captain and Steven Wright as a pilot.

Also worth noting it the film’s soundtrack, which is amazing. It is very 90s with such bands as the Boo Radleys, Spin Doctors, Toad the Wet Sprocket and even Myers himself performing a beat poem.

Don’t let the name fool you, yes there is an axe murderer in the film, but at it’s core the film is about Charlie’s hilarious relationship paranoia.

"The Negotiator" - http://imdb.com/title/tt0120768/

"So I Married an Axe Murderer" - http://imdb.com/title/tt0108174/