MOVIECATS Episode 1: JarJar-less

Hello, friends! We are proud to have parked our butts here on Inscaped, And we are even more proud to give you...

MOVIECATS!

What is MOVIECATS? Jared Brady and myself discuss all things movie in a neurotic, rambling way for your enjoyment.
This week, Jared and I cover God's rewrites on "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol," David Cross and the general  public getting the shaft on "Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked," and some of our most hated films. Also a spirited edition of What Are You Doing, where we track down yesterdays heavy Hollywood hitters.
Like  what you hear? Hate our guts? Want  to join the conversation next week? LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW!

But first...

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Dick Clark was America's favorite teenager

Long before MTV, VH-1, iTunes and You Tube, “American Bandstand” was where young people went for the latest popular music. As the host of

“Bandstand” Dick Clark was the man responsible for introducing America to everyone from Elvis Presley to Madonna.

For over 30 years Clark, often called “America’s oldest living teenager,” brought the latest music, dances and fashion into homes around the country like an old friend who always seemed to know what everyone wanted to see and hear before they even knew it.

Clark passed away from a heart attack at the age 82 on April 18.

Clark began on “Bandstand” in 1956, taking it national in 1957. From that point on every major music act appeared on the show.

Clark’s chemistry with the dancers and his non-threatening image helped rock and roll music reach a wider audience at a time when it was considered immoral. He also had African-American artists on mainstream television and had integrated dancing with black and white teenagers when segregation was still the accepted practice. As such he is often credited with changing the course of popular music.

Following his success on “American Bandstand” Clark branched out and began to build a TV empire that included “The $10,000 Pyramid,” “The American Music Awards,” “TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes” and of course “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin Eve.”

Since 1972, Clark’s annual countdown from Times Square has been the benchmark of New Year’s Eve celebrations.

Following his stroke in 2004 Clark missed that year’s show but returned in 2005 and has co-hosted every year since with Ryan Seacrest.

Seacrest has often been compared to Clark and remembered his mentor in a statement.

“I am deeply saddened by the loss of my dear friend Dick Clark. He has truly been one of the greatest influences in my life,” Seacrest said. “I idolized him from the start, and I was graced early on in my career with his generous advice and counsel.”

As word of his passing hit the Internet, many fans responded via Twitter that New Year’s Eve wouldn’t be the same without Clark.

Clark’s loss and iconic status was commented on in a statement by President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama.

“With ‘American Bandstand,’ he introduced decades’ worth of viewers to the music of our times. He reshaped the television landscape forever as a creative and innovative producer. And, of course, for 40 years, we welcomed him into our homes to ring in the New Year,” Obama said. “But more important than his groundbreaking achievements was the way he made us feel – as young and vibrant and optimistic as he was. As we say a final ‘so long’ to Dick Clark, America’s oldest teenager, our thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends – which number far more than he knew.”

For nearly 60 years Dick Clark has been a television staple. He kept America dancing and laughing through some of its hardest times. The legacy of his contributions simply cannot be measured, however they can be seen in the success of programs like “American Idol,” “The Voice,” “Dancing with the Stars” and “So You Think You Can Dance,” none of which would have been possible without Clark paving the way.

ICFR No. 3 'Darkest Hour:' Assumptions v. electric sharks!

When I walked out of "The Happening" in 2008, I promised myself that no one could ever make a movie so flat yet full of unlikeable or bland characters.

Well, "The Darkest Hour" has crushed my hopes.

As Elvis Costello once said, "I just don't know where to begin."

Sean (Emile Hirsch) is a douchebag. He and his douchey friend Ben ("The Social Network"'s Max Minghella) go to Russia to sell a cell phone app but have their dreams squandered. But who cares? They still have the money to go party it up with some girls at a bar. The girls are just as douchey. You go to a bar in Russia and order a drink and the bartender only speaks Russian. Their reaction: "Does anyone speak Russian??"

Assholes.

But Sean rules the group, calling his new found lady-friend a dick, later calling his best friend an asshole, etc. etc. But my biggest issue with the character is an issue with the writer as well. When the "aliens" start "attacking," Sean discovers he has the ability to make wild assumptions that just happen to be true, much to the chagrin of Ben, who play like a sidekick on an infomercial.

"Sean! You're saying these beings are sentient and are killing us on purpose?? But we are 15 minutes into the movie!......YOU'RE RIGHT! How DOES he do it folks???"

But more importantly is the twist that everyone in the film can make brilliant assumptions. As the gang of unlikeable and flat kids hang out in a basement for four days (ASSUMING they won't be found), the population of Russia is nearly wiped out, Santa Claus builds a microwave gun and another gang learns how to destroy the aliens. IN FOUR DAYS.

But we'll get there.

The movie continues to drag you through a survival story that feels sadly reminiscent of "Red Dawn" except Patrick Swayze sold you on the Reds invading. The dialogue of "The Darkest Hour" is as follows:

Sean: I'm going to make this general assumption about these aliens. Now we should go over here.

One of his friends: But, Sean... You don't know that. I'm scared and would prefer to not be stupid.

Sean: SHUT UP ASSHOLE, THIS IS MY MOVIE.

(They do said act with greatest of ease.)

Repeat AD NAUSEUM.

That is, until the gang meets a group of Russians hiding in a building. This is where Santa Claus comes into play. Apparently he has found a way to keep them safe. He has built an elaborate gun that shoots microwaves. IN FOUR DAYS. And he must have tested it if he's so damn proud. IN THOSE SAME FOUR DAYS.

But this miracle gun only stuns the invaders. They don't want to make t too easy, plus we haven't had our heartstrings pulled yet by a semi-main character dying. We also haven't been blessed with seeing how little attachment these people have to each other.

Imagine you are in this movie and it's real for a moment. You see a loved one of any kind disintegrated in front of you. Human emotion dictates you would scream, cry, go into shock, even possibly "see red" and attack the alien with a slice pf bacon, if it was readily available. But you certainly wouldn't leave the area, mope around a bit until you receive a half hearted apology from Hirsch.

Alas, that's what we get when Anne (Rachel Taylor), the pretty blonde that just wants an English bartender, gets poofed out of our story. The gang runs, Hirsch gives her surviving friend the equivalent of a "SORRY, BRO" and we move on.

Then we get to see a gang of badasses KILLING an alien! Yay! Apparently if you keep shooting like a pissed of teen in "Modern Warfare," they will eventually blow up. While this just rips off EVERY VIDEO GAME EVER and makes the micro-gun seem useless, it at least tells us an end is in sight.

So the two groups get together and head for a submarine that will take them... well, who knows. Like a discontent teenage girl in Wisconsin, it doesn't seem to matter as long as there is some other place to go. But not before the group encounters more aliens.

But wait!! It looks as if... YES! "The Darkest Hour" is going for the Triple Crown of Bad Cinema!! They stuck the landing with unlikable characters... They wowed the judges with crazy assumptions... But now they will give you a NEW ELEMENT THAT WAS NEVER MENTIONED UNTIL IT BECAME CONVENIENT!

So, as the group makes their way for the sub, one of our alien friends wraps up Ben's leg with a tentacle-esque... tentacle! OH REALLY, says I. SUDDENLY, these aliens that are purely electrical in nature can manifest enough matter to capture a human, AND enough strength to overpower him?

Triple Crown won. Congrats.

Alright, this has gone on long enough. They reach the sub, the girl Sean likes gets lost so he throws a fit until they go get her, he takes down an alien (like all the other guys have already done; maybe now they won't make fun of him) and they get on the boat and leave. Our story ends with us thinking this group will now travel the world killing the aliens.

Which I doubt, seeing as how it lost money in theaters. Maybe sometimes Hollywood's ridiculous capitalism rules can save lives.

Maybe.

Spoiler Alert: The ship still sinks.

This year marked the 100 year anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. It's been a century since one of the world's largest luxury liners, plunged below the cold waters of the Atlantic and fell some odd 4KM to the bottom of the ocean. I know I don't have to tell anyone the story of the Titanic, as we all know it's a true story...despite what some people on Twitter may have thought.

The sinking of the Titanic as well as the folkore behind it's sinking and historical significance and mystery still pique the interest of people today. And so much that people were willing to see the 1997 film, twice and maybe even more. From my childhood I recall seeing it at least twice in theaters with my cousin. This was during the 90s and Leonardo DiCaprio was literally everywhere. This time we all wanted to see that massive hunk of iron go down, and we wanted to see Leonardo DiCaprio shout "I'm the king of the world!" And perhaps we wanted to go back to that time when Leonardo DiCaprio was not making our heads hurt with "Inception," we wanted to go back to a simpler time.

In 3D.

However, did Titanic really need a 3D release?


Last night, I decided to go see the film again in theaters (the first time was nearly 15 years ago) and I wanted to see if the film would still retain its allure.

What I did notice is that people really love the Titanic. Not so much love either, no, people are obsessed with this story. But people are moreso obsessed with the Jack and Rose saga than they are with the ship and this in evident in the way the film was structured, written, realized and marketed. Let's break this down realistically, the film itself is 3 hours and 14 minutes, and let's say under 30 minutes of this was solely dedicated to the ship.



Yet, no one would want to pay to see a history channel movie about the Titanic. All week long in observance of its sinking, documentaries have popped up like daisies explaining what happened with new technology. Despite all that reality of the basics the ship down rather quickly and a lot of people died, we want to see a love story.

We want to fill in the imagined lives of the people who were on the doomed ship, partly because so little information exists about the Titanic relatively and the information that does exist is the kind of information that you have to wade through. To put it bluntly: We want a reader's digest version of Titanic with accurate information on the ship and fudged accuracies of the people who were on it.

Yet, seeing the monster of a film that Titanic was for a second time prove to actually be more telling than I bargained for. I didn't expect to notice just how weak the script was, for example why oh why,early in the film, did Rose (Kate Winslet) speak about the mathematics of the lifeboats? This is the kind of dialogue that is really not suitable for the film yet is only there for expository information for audiences: we needed to know as history confims that the Titanic was insufficiently equipped. In another moment of history meets fiction, when the boat is said to be unsinkable, this dialogue transcribes:

01:43:10 Titanic will founder.

01:43:15 But this ship can't sink.

01:43:17 She's made of iron, sir. I assure you she can,

01:43:20 and she will.

01:43:22:



BAM


At this moment in the film everyone is having a panic attack. Despite SEEING the boat getting punctured by the iceberg (which in 3D is STILL largely underwhelming for an iceberg) we need math to back up this outlandish claim that the ship could sink.


Also, what was up with DiCaprio's accent? He was American we know, but is the Chippewa Falls accent of Wisconsin really that hard to stomach? And for pete's sake the musical theme of the film at this point in time being laced throughout is not flattering but moreso nauseating. It would have helped if maybe it could have been re-done, but accordingly the only alterations done to the film---were stars??

So some patches of the dialogue in the film were really clunky and could have been scrapped, not to mention some questionable acting from fine actors (the problem REALLY is the script). Speaking of actors, it's the supporting cast that should get the acclaim this time around, Billy Zane was incredible as Calhoun, Rose's fiance who was as every bit scary as he was handsome.


All these flaws and not to mention, that the 3D effects weren't even that special. Come on, James Cameron, the movie raked in so much money its first go-round that we really couldn't splurge for 3D that would take us to that very night complete with replicated hypothermia.

No? Okay then, I suppose I'll just wait until Cameron starts offering deep-sea tours of the Titanic complete with the soundtrack.

Kevin Smith burns down house with 'Tough Sh*t'

You either know Kevin Smith, love Kevin Smith or both. But no one truly hates Kevin Smith.

Critics hate his honesty. Some movie-goers hate his films. Some people in Hollywood hate the way he goes against the grain.

But you can't hate the man. Why? It's all mapped out in "Tough Sh*t," the brutally open, honest and entertaining pseudo-autobiography of Smith's rise to cult movie fame.

In a creepy way, reading this book is almost something you'd expect from a dying Hollywood god, spewing the shrouded truths of the mountain before he breathes his final breath. But the color and entertainment value of the book comes from the fact the Smith is very healthy. Very healthy and very stoned.

The book may begin with a simple premise: Smith's childhood, rise to fame, and how it all happened. Standard fare for anyone who has read a book penned by a writer/director/actor.

But Smith is a self-proclaimed sexual degenerate. Bruce Willis is lazy and insufferable. The movie industry is collapsing on itself like a dying star. These are intimate truths Smith lays out for us without any fear; it's things he has seen and horrors he has lived.

Through a rather poignant meta-arc, Smith documents his career from making Clerks to Red State, from his days as a New Jersey hood to the present founder and mogul of SmodCo, Smith details the intricacies and coincidentals of making it in Hollywood as an outcast, chasing the approval of a corrupted honcho (the infamous Harvey Weinstein) and eventually learning that you aren't a cog in the machine if you decide to run the damn thing.

Smith, being the exceptional writer and conversationalist he is, makes the book easy to delve into and relate to: it's a series of life lessons of a normal kid who decides to not share the same fate as his father, and bets everything on the movies.

One of the best highlights comes from one of Smith's many doses of harsh reality. Smith documents dealing with an intensely lackluster Willis in "Cop Out" and losing all respect for an actor he once loved through a series of increasingly uncomfortable days on set.

The book continually gets in depth into the process of not only filmmaking, but sex, the politics of business, religious extremists, and dealing with failure. While it's truly just a gathering of stories told by a relatable guy who has lived his dreams for better or worse, when you finish reading you feel inspired to fulfill your own dreams, obstacles be damned.

Sure, it means that it will come with a heaping helping of bullshit, but that's why Smith is here, to teach you to want the bullshit, too!

"Tough Sh*t" isn't a book just for film buffs or Smith fans. It's for anyone who has a dream that they have been putting off. Smith finds a fun way to tell us all that your failures lead somewhere, and sometimes they lead to your own personal Red State.

The good, bad and BLEGH of upcoming films!

Quick note: as a rule, I avoided any blockbusters already swimming the internet at full force. ("MIB 3," "Avengers", etc.) Except "Twilight," since it doesn't get enough hate from people.

So I climbed out of my hole this morning and I winced at what I saw.

As usual with me, let's start with the bad:

"TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 2"

I've seen three of these films, and I'm still not sure how these got made. As we mention on Great Ideas, I can make fun of Stephenie Meyer, but I can't make fun of "Twilight."

But I can try...

Check this out: Bella gets pink eye and has an intense sexual encounter with a deer:



"We're the same temperature??" I thought these kids would be less akward after a quick marriage and bed shattering PG-13 sex scene. But, alas...

Speaking of Stephenie "Kinda Literature" Meyer...

"THE HOST"

I guess Meyer doesn't have to try anymore, she can jump straight to making flat films. you know what I need? A body snatchers-esque film, but for the easily impressed.



MMMMMM, there it is. You know what I love about it? It tells you just enough for tweens to be excited without showing you enough footage to know it'll suck. Well played.

Let's try some possibly interesting films. See what we're doing? We're getting LESS cynical as we go. It's like Willy Wonka. Happy Saturday, children...

"SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED"

These films hit so hot and cold with me: the indie with a strong but not well known cast that touches on some big movie themes while remaining heartfelt? Oh, boy. Will I leave the theatre saying "Huh! Not bad!" or "SCREW YOU DIABLO CODY!" a la Juno?

Let's see....



I'm going to hope for the former.

"PARANORMAN"

(You'll have to click on the title to see this one)

Being the perpetual 11-year-old I am, I'm already excited for Paranorman. A stop-motion movie about a kid, zombies, ghosts and curses? Yes, please! Then you see a cast including Anna Kendrick, John Goodman, jeff Garlin and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (can we just call him McLovin?). It looks strong!

And finally, a film that actually ...

"SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMEN"!

This is a big 180 for me. At first, it was another Snow White movie released in a flurry of Snow White junk ("Mirror Mirror"? Blegh.) and to top it, Kristen Stewart, the one that had the pink eye from earlier, is Snow White.

But wait...



I think I'm okay with it. I can just root for Charlize Theron to brutally beat her to death and scream "Where's your vampire now?!"

So maybe this didn't get less cynical. I tried.

HAPPY WEEKEND!