Shut it!

I was sitting down in a dark theater enjoying the performances... that is until people started talking, cell phones going off and children being children.

No, this wasn’t an evening showing of “Spiderman 3,” it was the Flute and Bassoon studio recital at Riverside City College on May 10. If people can’t even have the common courtesy of behaving during some free student performances, can we really expect people to do the same during a movie that they pay for?

Granted people talking during a movie and generally misbehaving has been a problem in movie theaters for a very long time, but the cell phone has made it almost unbearable. People not only talk on their phones, but check their email and text message as well. So right when the film is getting to an important part you get this bright light that catches your eyes like a lighthouse shining bright in the fog. Of course it’s just someone looking at a message they just got, probably something to do with how Susie just dumped Jason or something just as life threatening.

I used to see movies on the night they opened after work, but that is like asking to get punched in the face. You know it’s going to hurt, so why do it?

I started to go during the week and try to catch an early show while teenagers are at school and most people are at work. But even my plan b has proven to be a sucker punch of reality.

Avoiding these people is almost unavoidable. I went and saw a 9:15 a.m. showing of “Spiderman 3” thinking “Ah ha! Children will be in school and it will be nice and quiet.”

Wrong. Apparently “Spiderman 3” trumps any kind of learning the children might need. Although, I’m sure they learned how to make a horrible movie. ZING!

Dealing with these people requires a simple four step process; first, is the glare. Just turn around and glare at them. The second step might require another glare with a “ssshh.” If that doesn’t work move on to step three which is a stern “Shut up!” If the annoyances continue then step four is required, but remember that if the person is bigger than you then skip this step, which is saying “Shut the...” and your favorite expletive.

Most times that works, or you get a soda on your head.

The real question is what can be done by the theaters to stop the madness and provide a relaxing environment. There are some theaters that have installed cell phone signal blockers, which is a great idea. Some people complain that would prevent people from hearing about emergencies, but people survived without cell phones in theaters 20 years ago.

There also needs to be a zero tolerance rule. You talk on your phone, you’re out. Your children are running around the theater and screaming during a rated-R movie, see ya.

Asking people to behave during a movie is a waste of time, punishing them sends a message to anyone thinking of replying to that text message again.